I am reading a book now, Grieving Mindfully, which is completely resonating with me. The author speaks of entering into the pain, as a way to experience it fully, and to heal. The desire to run from it, to escape it, it is so strong, such a temptation now. I know that is a mistake, but I fear that I will succumb, then I hear my loving Elise tell me “Maya chose us for a reason” and I think I can bear it another day. Just one more day, that is all I ask for. And I wake up, shower, get dressed and go on…
In the book, the author talks of “The Five Things” to say to your lost loved one, to facilitate the healing. So I enter into this dialogue around the Five Things.
I’m Sorry
I am sorry my dear Maya, sorry that I did not see the depth of your pain, sorry that I did not tune in to you more fully, that I did not hear your tiny whispers of despair, see the clues, read the signs. For that I am so truly sorry Maya.
I Forgive You
My sweet Maya, I forgive you. You made such a mistake. How could you have known fully, what this all means, the effect of your actions. How could you have seen the waves of grief, the loss, the hurt you’ve caused. I know you could not know, even with a clear mind you could not know. I forgive you for not knowing, for your foolish mistake, for your unwillingness to take half measures.
I Love You
Oh Maya, the depth of this loss, I never knew it could be so painful, so overpowering, so massive a force to reckon with. I know it is still the the love now, the love speaking with it’s other voice, the same depth, the same power, the same force, only it is the loss now. Maya I love you still, and always.
Thank You
My little buddy, my sidekick, always willing to try something crazy, always daring and adventurous, ready to be with silly me, to let me be the child I never was. I could never embarrass you, even at the end, even if I tried, you always appreciated me for me. Thank you my Maya for letting me be your parent, and teaching me to parent myself.
Goodbye
This is too much, too much to say now. I cannot say goodbye dear Maya. Just love. Love always.
Medellin, Colombia, 2015
I feel a bit over-participatory – such a teacher word, for lack of a better one, but I am deriving so much understanding from your work here and I just want to thank you again. I read every post and contemplate it.
The steps described here, your ability to share this process and your abiding love for your daughter, is so beneficial to ponder.
Personally I experienced the benefit of facing some tremendous losses stone cold sober, and I allowed myself the time it took to fully deal with them too. Well, that process probably never ends. I learned that when someone leaves us, it is truly a mystical time and much wisdom can be revealed through the process. I guess this is the gift of it.
I am so glad that you are finding yourself able to read through this tremendous grief. I would like to suggest the book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. Thank you for allowing us to bear witness and be here with you for your process.
I am so deeply moved by your willingness to go into the “well of grief”, Matthew.
The Well of Grief by David Whyte
Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface on the well of grief
turning downward through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe
will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water, cold and clear,
nor find in the darkness glimmering
the small round coins
thrown by those who wished for something else.
from Where Many Rivers Meet
©2007 Many Rivers Press
Thank you for sharing your Journey with me.
Lucy
Mathew. I thank you for so openly sharing your grief, your love and your learning. Your friends, loved ones and community want to reach out and lift some of your grief for you. This helps us feel you, and know Maya more deeply.
You have my heart.
Jesse Corre