I WONDER
I wonder what it would be like to not expect you to come sauntering down the stairs each morning
I wonder when I will stop peeking in your room each morning to check on you
I wonder when will I look at photos of you and feel joy and gratitude as well as loss and despair
I wonder when will I stop asking why
I wonder how long it takes
I wonder when will I embrace it all, in all it’s complexity and mystery
I wonder about the hints I did not get the clues I did not see the words I missed
I wonder why, of course always the why, why, why
And then there is the calm, after
After the sorrow the peace in the knowing
Can I dare say it
You are free, flying, unbound, still here, yet not
I remember that day at the trapeze… what joy Maya radiated! and she inspired her grandfather Irv to at least aspire to fly! this was so characteristic of her, to always think of someone else and what they would appreciate.
I’m so grateful I was there to see her soar.
Mathew… I have, since Oct. 2nd, put myself in Elise and your place, as a reflex, not an intension. I think that’s probably a human reaction, when people who are dear to you experience devastation. We want to feel for them, take on some of their their pain, be connected to them, by feeling what they feel, although, of course it could never be so. Your extremely poignant “I WONDER” vividly takes me on your journey, and although I cannot know, I feel it so very deeply.
Jody
I think as long as we live we wonder. I’m not sure if that is any comfort to say that but I am only me in my perspective of understanding this. My thoughts also echo Jody’s.xo