Learn the alchemy true human beings know. The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open.
-Rumi

Five AM.  It is dark outside, cold and windy.  I see the shadow of that tree in the moonlight, it’s presence unwavering, still and strong. Three months to the day, almost to the hour.  Another anniversary, another first.  First Thanksgiving, first Hanukkah, first New Year’s Eve, all firsts without Maya.  I am learning a new way, a new family has been formed, and I still hold to what is not as it gives me some comfort. Somehow I think, and I know this will change, somehow if I do not accept what is, can I make it not be true?

Each day brings a new challenge, and a new insight.  Missing Maya is terrible, the reminders are everywhere. At the Living Seed where she had her Bat Mitzvah party, at Starbucks where we hung out and had hot chocolate, at Krause’s, where we always stopped for a treat. Everywhere in this town, even in NYC.  There  I see the blue Citibikes and remember our fun ride last August, from the Brooklyn Bridge to Chelsea.  The reminders are constant.  Sometimes I see them and remember, and I smile and feel her loving presence.  Sometimes I just  feel the loss.  I know I cannot control this, it will change as it needs to, all in good time.  And yet, like an alchemist, I wonder what this will change to.  Can I direct this change, or just let it flow and be?  Can I set an intention for myself, to use this loss for a greater good, or shall I just let this river of grief carry me along?

NYC Bike Ride, 2015

Things are brewing inside me, things I never accessed before.  Thoughts and feelings bubbling to the surface with a force of their own.  I feel like a vessel for something strange and mysterious.  I don’t know what, but I trust it will come in good time.

I try to connect with Maya’s spirit, what she would want. I laugh, as I know she would tease me about my philosophical meanderings; she would mimic me, make a funny face, point a finger in the air,  and I would laugh at myself.  We would smile together and I would know that she really understood me in a way few people do, on a soul level, really.  She somehow knew, at such a young age, my struggles and my challenges, and she was compassionate and lighthearted with me.  Not so with herself; she could not manage that compassion and understanding for herself.

I remember on that trip in August to NYC, we talked about so much.  We made fun of tourists with selfie sticks, one of our favorite groups to mock.  We discussed the tragedy of living homeless on the streets, the inequity of wealth distribution, the attack on NYC in 2001; deep conversations and very light goofing around, all in the same day,with the same ease.

Ellis Island, 2015

Alchemy.  The transformation of one substance to another.  Such a process, a medieval fantasy brought forth now, in spirit.  The transformation of despair, loss, pain and suffering into love and compassion; that is the magic, yet to be revealed to me.  I am ready for whatever comes.

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