Ego breaks open, then you see who you really are.
-Ram Dass

As predicted by so many, each day reveals more, like an unfolding of a beautiful weaving before my eyes, only to find myself a thread in the fabric itself. Along with all of us, I am part of a great mystery that I can barely grasp, yet continue to seek to understand.  Today is a special day, a shift for me in this process.  Today, while still deep in grief, I begin to look forward, as the Maya Gold Foundation becomes public.  The Foundation will carry on Maya’s work in Nepal, and also be a vehicle for Elise and I to work here in our local community, supporting teens and their families through the perils of adolescence. Once again I find myself in a strange conflict; wanting very much to retreat from the world entirely, to hide and weep, to just disappear, and also driven to engage with the world in Maya’s name, as she wanted to, as she dreamed of doing.  I have given in to this conflict, am riding this wave, not knowing if one view will prevail, or I will find a middle way.  I carry on, as if…

At Sasha’s Wedding, Vermont, 2014

The Foundation’s mission is to empower youth to access their inner wisdom and realize their dreams.  No small challenge in this era of social media, cyberbullying, easy access to drugs and pornography, and a dearth of moral role models in the society at large. Our work, as led by an eleven member Board of Directors and an Advisory Board, will be twofold: to work in this community to provide programs and services in support of teens, and to partner with NGO’s in Nepal to provide essentials for young people, such as food, shelter and education. The basic infrastructure of the organization is up and running, and we would love to have you visit our site and subscribe to our mailing list.  Our first fundraiser is scheduled for April 17, at the Studley Theater in New Paltz.  The Candle and the Heart, a benefit concert, will seed the Foundation for the coming year.  Please join us!

Today also brings some measure of closure to the investigation of the facts surrounding Maya’s death.  Toxicology reports have been provided to us, and all of Maya’s cell phone data has been recovered from late June up to her death.  These bits of information provide a better picture of what exactly happened on October 2, and the days leading to it.  They provide a picture of a young girl who was often high on stolen over the counter medications, but for only 2-3 weeks before her death, including at school and at home.  They provide a picture of a young girl who had very high levels of these drugs in her blood the morning she took her own life, levels high enough to induce hallucinations and significant disinhibition. And they provide a picture of a teen culture of casual sex, drug use, and sexism that shook me to the core. This cannot stand unchallenged. Of this, notice must be taken, action must ensue.  For me, there is now no option.

Each day brings new discoveries, new awakenings for me and those around me.  I cannot speak of gifts or grace, but I can speak of many treasured memories and so much love, more than I ever imagined, ever.  That gives me hope, even in the despair, that there will be a day to smile, to laugh, to enjoy life again.  But not yet.  Not yet.  And never in the same way, never the same innocent playfulness, or the taking for granted of anything.  All is so precious now.  I suppose it always was, but I did not see.  Another awakening.

Being Very Serious, Paris, 2011

BACK