Dear Maya,
I have been trying to notice when I have long periods of despair, and nurture the loving memories of you when that happens. It is not always something I can do, being the pessimist that I am. But there are some times when you come to me effortlessly, when in fact you are just “there” with me when I need you. I am grateful for those moments.
This morning on my way to work I was feeling deep loss. It just comes and goes, and I don’t try to figure it out any more. I don’t even recall what it was, it could have been the Natalie Merchant song “Tell Yourself”, that gets me every time, but I keep wanting to listen to anyway, like picking at a scab, I can’t help but listen to it again and again.
And there you were, mocking me in your funny, self important, mocking Mathew voice.
How can I describe that voice in writing? I can’t really. A few people know it, and I loved it. Love it. It always reminded me to be humble, to not take myself too seriously. When I was in India you had a field day, mocking the “ American professor”, when I received my doctorate you enjoyed mocking the “doctor”. Each accomplishment brought another jibe, another jest. I think you knew it was ok, better than ok, because I laughed right with you. I loved being made fun of in that loving way. I knew you were proud too, but the fact that you could tease me was more precious than any accomplishment. For me, it was healing as a father, and as a son. Thank you for giving me that.
Back to the car this morning. I was in my despair, and then you let me have it, in that voice. And I laughed out loud, I smiled, and shed a tear, of gratitude, for your loving visit. Thank you Maya. I love you and miss you every day.
Dad
A Serious Moment at Mathew’s Graduation, Danbury, 2013