Ten questions that cannot be answered:
- Why, always the why?
- Is it ok to be happy again, to smile and laugh without you?
- Will I ever not be “the man whose daughter committed suicide?”
- How deep was your pain?
- Can I ever truly understand what happened?
- Is the path we have chosen the right path?
- Will the pain ever go away?
- How can I fully integrate this into my life?
- Did you know?
- Can I let go of all these questions and just love you?
Maya’s Bat Mitzvah, November 2014
Mathew- of course that picture resonates so strongly for me, my heart is there. I hear you. I hear and feel your questions. Some of the answers will come to you in time. Some already have.
A long time ago I went through a very traumatic experience, not the same circumstances by any means, but one that tore me and my family apart in our cores. I remember not knowing if I could, or even should, ever smile and laugh again. Some friends had us over after Friday night services, me and my traumatized sons, on a warm summer night. We got in their above ground pool in the moonlight and started, by their suggestion, just walking the perimeter in a circle line. As we walked we created a current. Somehow, walking that current in the moonlight with good friends I smiled. What was that I was feeling? Oh, joy. Will you look at that, I thought, I can experience joy.
I always recall this experience when a friend is visited by tragedy. It is so hard to remember we will ever experience joy again. But we will. And it is okay to let come.
With love,
Bonnie