There are so many moments of the last three months that keep replaying themselves in my consciousness. I know that the full impact of this loss is yet to be revealed, and I wait patiently for that revelation, not knowing in which direction I shall be taken. One particularly profound event was more than a moment, it was a plane trip from Chicago to Newburgh. I was alone in Chicago at a conference when Elise called me on October 2 to tell me that Maya had taken her life. I don’t know how I managed to get to the airport and get a flight, but I held it together enough to do that. The flight is what keeps replaying for me, for a few reasons. The trauma of that trip is profound, but I know that I will heal eventually. But there is something more that I am processing still.
I recall very vividly what I was feeling on that flight. Denial, fear, shock, and despair all were there. But the strongest emotion of all was compassion. I never would have expected that, but on the plane flight I was suddenly connected with all those that have suffered and are suffering, through loss, hunger, war, poverty, I was in an altered state really, and the separation between “I” and “them” was gone. It was only “we”, and it was very, very strange for me to have that awareness. I could not really make sense of it at the time; I kept saying to myself “now I know” over and over like a mantra.
The idea of separation, of duality, of difference is of course a unique part of Western culture, and I live in it and with it as we all do. But something changed for me on that flight. Something profound and mysterious happened. No longer can I claim only a theoretical knowledge of another path. Now I have lived that connection; now I have the knowing that I am one of many to suffer, one of many to have lost, one of many to struggle against seemingly insurmountable circumstances, and now I begin to understand in a different way. The difference between “thinking” this and “knowing” this as I do now is all the difference in the world. And is this not the human condition, the nature of life, the inescapable truth anyway?
And then, and then I thought of Maya, and her knowing, her deep knowing and feeling at such a young age. As unbearable as this is for me, at my age, with my network of support, with my resources and experience, how was it for Maya knowing and feeling this connection, this deep sense of the suffering in the world? Her innate empathy, her connection with the suffering of humans and animals, this must have been an immense burden for her, and was surely part of her deep ennui, all of which led her to the decision she made on October 2. Oh, Maya.
School Near Columbia University, December 2015
Mathew, thank you for your words. Although I was not connected to Maya since she was very little, I find myself thinking of her often. Although she and Ruby were not close, Ruby and I both feel the loss of such a bright spirit. I have so enjoyed the photos Elise and you have shared. Thanks for sharing your feelings and your love. Your words and thoughts help us all. My family and I send you much love and wish you well over the New Year. Peace and love to you.
As I read every post you write, I am in awe, in sadness, in poignancy, in gratitude, with spirit, and feel connected to you and of being human. Thanks you, Mathew.
Matthew, your journey, as you live your grief and its revelations, is a truly sacred one, touching my human spirit deeply. I came across this quote and thought I might share it with you.
Agamemnon (1957:9, lines 179-83):
And even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget,
falls drop by drop upon the heart,
And in our own despair, against our will,
Comes wisdom,
By the awful grace of God.
I am in awe of your journey and send love and prayers of support.
Lucy
This text by Aeschylus, incidentally, is famous as the verse that presidential candidate Bobby Kennedy included as part of his impromptu speech to a crowd in African-American section of Indianapolis upon receiving and sharing the shocking news of the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr.
I so responded to your words, Mathew. As a Buddhist I try every day to move beyond duality of self and other. All the days after Maya left us, I felt, along with the despair, a sense of gratitude as I thought of all the people who suffer and die without the warm and safe house that we were in, the circle of support.
I read a Tibetan proverb today:
“Birds that live on a golden mountain reflect the color of the gold.”
Maya is our golden bird, always.
love,
Leslie
Dear Mathew,
Wisdom truly comes while sitting on a plane, looking out onto the “great blue yonder” during tragedies such as “ours”. Yes, WE, are all a part of the same One, peering out of the same eye of consciousness. Amazing isn’t it? A true blessing really. To be able to speak of your pain, loss, with a deep knowing that there is a community that has felt the very same shock, numbness, despair and grief. This is an immense support, and to experience this unity, is beyond comprehension in the moment, but expands throughout time until it becomes your integrated experience. That is when a hug is more than just a hug. It becomes an, “I know… I know”. My prayer for you, Elise and Aiden for 2016 is a peaceful and revelatory new year.
PS. In 1991, I lost my dear brother in an airplane crash in Honduras. He was a commercial pilot on a routine cargo flight. I flew down from New York for his funeral. “I know, I know”.
I have wanted to respond, Mathew, because your entry is both profound and beautifully written, and each time I set out to write something, it falls short. That a person becomes more human through suffering is a great theme of literature, not to speak of religion. Think of King Lear. But some on this earth do not need their own tragedy to feel at their core the pain of others. It is a mystery.
Thank you Mathew,
Love,
Susan
Mathew, I want to express my appreciation for sharing what you are feeling through your blog entries – they are so thoughtful, rich, and heartfelt.