Another marker ticked off, this time a big one, my sweet girl. One year without you here by my side, one year without the silliness, the laughter, the challenges and struggles of watching you grow up. One year of trying to make sense of it all, in vain of course, of trying to accept what is, of learning about love, learning about so much love.
When I began this journey I thought I had an idea of how it might end, of the path it might take. Of course, life has had other plans for me, and this path is something I never could have imagined. I have watched myself and been on the path at the same time. I have seen how each moment of joy is shadowed with despair, I have seen how the regret can overcome me, I have seen how the loss can cripple me, and how a simple photo can make me inconsolable. I have learned about loss in the worst possible way, about attachment, about emptiness, and sorrow and suffering. I learn more each day.
And yet, I have seen and felt you stronger than ever. All that is missing is the body, the physical presence, the sight of you, the sound of your laugh, your voice, the smell of your hair, the look in your eyes. I cannot escape this loss, no matter what. But, the love is stronger than ever, you are with me still in spirit, guiding me, teasing me, laughing with me, nodding silently in approval, always answering the question “What would Maya want?” with kindness and love, and a joke sometimes.
I wonder how many times will I replay October 2nd. How many times will I weigh it all again, wondering, always wondering…. Forever, I suppose, forever, in this life.
And yet I know the path is clear before me. The path is creation. To create from this despair some small measure of love and peace. That is all. That is all there is for me now.
I love you and miss your presence, dear Maya.
Ithaca Road Trip, Summer 2010