The Journey

  I have my favorite cafe near the hotel, where I go for coffee and breakfast every day. This morning with my coffee I sat and saw this chalkboard sign they had put up.  A sign, and a “sign”.  I am not sure if it was there every day or not, but I noticed it Read More…

  My great fear about this visit to Mexico City was that I would feel the loss of Maya even stronger, knowing that she was planning to join us on this trip.  It is a low-key trip, mostly just teaching my class each afternoon  and hanging out at the pool during the day.  But we Read More…

  “Maya Gold can edit”. That is what I saw online on Google Drive, in our shared family folder.  Those four words hurt.  Maya Gold can edit. I reread them again and again, next to her little Gmail icon of an astronaut she used for herself. Her online presence still lingers like that, here and Read More…

  Like an uncontrollable stutter the images replay in my mind.  That day, the plane ride to New York, the car ride from Stewart. Like the ultimate bad dream it keeps recurring again and again.  I just want to erase it, to push the Delete key and have it disappear.  Not to undo what happened, Read More…

  Dear Maya, I have been trying to notice when I have long periods of despair, and nurture the loving memories of you when that happens.  It is not always something I can do, being the pessimist that I am.  But there are some times when you come to me effortlessly, when in fact you Read More…

  It is an increasingly strange feeling being out in the world. For months we have not shopped much. Lately I have taken to shopping in Newburgh, for the anonymity.  Sometimes seeing people on the streets of New Paltz sends my heart racing.  Not that I have ever heard anything but love and kind words. Read More…

  Another marker arrives.  Four months.  There will always be “before” and “after”. October 2, 2015 is a marker of another life that came and went, and now a new life emerges, takes shape, but is still unknown.  I have only a glimpse of this new life, it is mostly still shrouded.  I cannot yet Read More…

  There was a period of two or three years where Maya had this thing going, after every meal together, she would give me an impish grin, get out of her seat, crawl under the table, and come sit on my lap.  It was something we all expected to happen, it was so regular, and Read More…

  You tell me there is a greater plan, a higher power, more than I can see But I cannot see it So I am unsure You tell me you dreamt of her, she came to you and told you a secret But I do not understand, it does not fit So I am baffled Read More…

  Every morning and night I see four toothbrushes in the bathroom cup.  Every morning and night I think about the “extra” toothbrush.  Maya’s toothbrush. How did a toothbrush become so laden with meaning?  It is a little thing, and not.  To remove it is to continue the process of removing Maya somehow.  Her tye-dye Read More…

  Today Elise and I went to a memorial at Rowe Camp in MA. Seventy five campers and staff showed up to remember Maya and share stories in the Chapel.The Chapel is a hundred year old stone building in Rowe, MA, used by the Rowe Camp for daily meetings in the summer. But it is Read More…

  Dear Maya, I need to say thank you to you.  Last night I was reading Elizabeth Lesser’s book, Broken Open.  I am really getting so much out of it, loving it if that is possible right now.  Anyway, last night I started a new section in which Lesser writes eloquently about “visitations” from people Read More…

  I sit across from your chair, now empty, and long for you The empty chair now laden with meaning Not just a place to sit, but you, all of you All of you right there in the emptiness across from me I sit across from your chair, now empty, and see you there Your Read More…

  Something is changing As I enter into this stream I don’t fully understand it, yet I proceed, trusting, flowing with the waters of life Trying to stay afloat, stay between the two opposing shores of despair and escape In the middle, always trying for the middle Carried along, by life itself Something is changing Read More…

  Some days I make it home just in time to break down.  The darkness and the cold makes it worse, daylight and warmth helps. I have been inadvertently conditioning myself, each night using the same pillow, laying in the same spot on the floor, covered with the same blanket, when I let go.  It Read More…

  Maya was a saver.  She earned money babysitting for our neighbors, and saved all of it.  She saved her Bat Mitzvah money, her birthday money, any money she was gifted or earned she saved.  She had a local bank account but did all her banking online. She would often ask me to check her Read More…

  Ego breaks open, then you see who you really are. -Ram Dass As predicted by so many, each day reveals more, like an unfolding of a beautiful weaving before my eyes, only to find myself a thread in the fabric itself. Along with all of us, I am part of a great mystery that Read More…

  Learn the alchemy true human beings know. The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open. -Rumi Five AM.  It is dark outside, cold and windy.  I see the shadow of that tree in the moonlight, it’s presence unwavering, still and strong. Three months to the day, almost to the Read More…

  There are so many moments of the last three months that keep replaying themselves in my consciousness.  I know that the full impact of this loss is yet to be revealed, and I wait patiently for that revelation, not knowing in which direction I shall be taken.  One particularly profound event was more than Read More…

  I am reading a book now,  Grieving Mindfully, which is completely resonating with me.  The author speaks of entering into the pain, as a way to experience it fully, and to heal.  The desire to run from it, to escape it, it is so strong, such a temptation now.  I know that is a Read More…