Irony?

Dear Maya,

Early in October someone told me that I would eventually be able to carry your spirit with me, and that I would always feel your presence, and that the loss would subside.  I did not believe it.  It seemed impossible.  My challenge was that I was so focused on the absence of my little buddy, I could see nothing else.  I was, and still am, so bereft that we cannot hang out together, go for coffee, walk, bike, read books, all of those things that require your physical presence, that is gone.  That loss runs deep still, but I am starting to feel those prophetic words a bit.

As the concert approaches, your presence is so strong.  It is hard to say it, but sometimes I do not miss you, because you really are with me, in such a powerful way, in a stronger way than the physical loss. Glimpses of peace. All that you believed in, wanted to achieve, enjoyed, joked about, despised, all of that is still here, in spirit, and now in me.  I never thought this would be so.

Most of the last few months, the car rides to and from work have been horrible.  The quiet highlighted the absence.  This week I smiled.  Maya, I smiled because I thought of you, and felt that you really are living on in my heart, in the Foundation, in the work I am now doing. I smiled, Maya. With you.

Tomorrow, Maya, we return to the Studley Theatre.  This time not to weep, but to love, to hope, to work together and to look forward to how we can embody all the best of you in this life. The love that surrounds me, us, is profound.  I wish you could have felt this.

Of course that is the irony.  If only you felt it, then maybe…  Back to if only, always if only.

That same person who told me about carrying your spirit, she told me another thing I wanted you to know about.  I was telling her about the irony of how you are changing me, many of us, with your loss.  I told her how your dream was coming true, despite your inability to see it.  I said this irony hurt so much.  She very clearly and calmly replied, “It is not ironic.  This is Maya’s gift.  This is what she brought to you.”

Love you, miss you, smile with you,
Dad

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2 thoughts on “Irony?

  1. Matthew,
    Your absolute honesty, expressed in your most eloquent use of words, have taken me right into your heart, into the depth of sorrow, over these months. And again this morning I am filled with awe at all this, but the sense of shift, in feeling Maya with you so much that at moments you don’t miss her.. fierce grace, sweet Dad. I look forward to feeling Maya’s love and hope tomorrow.

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