I wonder how long forever is, how many forevers make a life, a story, a visit to this blue planet
When does forever end and this moment begin, when is it just now

You are gone forever, with me forever, lost forever, gained forever
I can’t make sense of it today, most days, will that be forever too

What disappears in the moment of death
What is physically different between a fresh corpse and it’s living predecessor

How do you measure life anyway
How much does it weigh, how much space does it take up, what color is it, what smell does it have, how do I know it is gone

The veil, the veil is thin sometimes
Sometimes I can look across, other times it is opaque, far away

None of this existential nonsense matters anyway
You are gone



Eagles Nest, 2007


3 thoughts on “Forever

  1. Yes, it is true, Maya is physically gone, forever (in this lifetime). One way I’ve come to terms with managing the grief and experience of my losses is by honoring each one through inner ritual. Thos is a post in answer to a friends young adult son’s passing this past month. She is in anguish, wondering out loud how she can ever fill the emptiness of the gaping hole that now exists inher heart. Perhaps this can somehow assist you in some small way.
    Copied and pasted:
    Dearest JoAnn, The journey you’re on is not about filling the huge empty spot in your heart. How can it be? It was your son’s spot, so do not even try to replace it with anything else. Instead, build an alter there, and whenever you feel the pain of loss, go to the alter of Chris, and mentally place something beautiful there. It could be a flower, an object, a memory, or even your deepest prayer to him. Whatever it may be, place it there for the purpose of experiencing your continued love together, for that empty spot is where his connection with his beloved mother continues, and shall always be. Make it uplifting and live the rest of your life in joy, because now you live it for him, your son who can no longer do so physically . With great respect and love, Mercedes

  2. My dearest Mathew,
    Every one of your posts, leaves me speechless, breathless. I desperately want to respond to you about every one. But I am at a deep loss, I am inept. I cannot meet your profound grief with anything I feel will help. All I can hope to do, is let you know that I am listening to you, feeling for you and surrounding you with my love and admiration.

  3. dear Mathew,
    a dear friend wrote a poem about the weight of his daughter’s heart (she committed suicide at 40).
    It is a wonderful poem, but too much to bear I think.
    The endless mystery is where did that spirit go. Every day, I try to will it back.

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