Dear Maya,

How is it that you broke me so fully, that who I was then is no longer, and who I am now is still unknown?

Everything that I thought I needed, I no longer need.  That which I took for granted, is now precious.  What I never saw, I now see in vivid color.  That which held me in it’s grip has vanished like the fog.

Did you know you would turn my world upside down so?  Did you know that? I read today in the paper about your “drug-fueled suicide.”  Is that what it was?  Is that all, or is there more to be revealed still?

Every day a new unfolding, every night the quiet, the dreading of 4:00 am.  Yet it comes and goes, again and again and again.  4:00 am. 4:00 am. 4:00 am.

My love for you continues to grow, even though it is a one-way relationship now. Sort of.  Maybe not one way, but I am not sure really how to label it. Unique.  That it always was anyway.

Today I came upon a hat of yours, my dear Maya.  You had a “hat period” of about a year when you collected them, wore them, enjoyed them. It is amazing how every object is so laden now.  The hat reminded me of our trip to Europe.  You wore it all the time for three weeks, and you delighted in being mistaken for a boy with your hat and short hair.  Such an impish pleasure you took in fooling people. The memory made me smile today.  Thank you my sweet one.

Love you and miss you,




Paris , 2011



2 thoughts on “Danbury

  1. there are so many photos of Maya enjoying that trip to Europe …
    today, at 4:00 am, I heard the owl and the thrush. Often I awake with thoughts of her. And this morning I found a tiny velvet bag she made, with earrings she made inside and a little note to me: “you are the best!” She was so good at appreciating.
    My daughter, who didn’t know her, just had a profound dream about her. I don’t think her relationship with us is over.
    with love,

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