For six months I have been carried along by the waves. Waves of despair, of loss, of fear, of anguish, and of anger. I have allowed myself to go with those waves, wherever they took me, knowing that it was ok, and that was the process. My goal has been to get up each day, bathe, get dressed, eat and go to work. Simple stuff, and I have mostly done it. I have asked people I love and trust about the “goal” and told again and again to focus on “one day at a time”, and that was right.
Today it feels different. It feels like it is time to write the rest of this story, or at least a little part of it. I don’t expect that I really have that much control of anything, as you have taught me. But I do know that a vision is the start of anything, and for me a vision is emerging. And you are in it, Maya.
Part of me is very afraid to voice this vision, Maya. Afraid that it is an act of hubris, afraid that I am asking for more suffering. And part of me knows that it is ok, so long as I am humble, not attached to the outcome, and accept what comes with grace, then it will be ok.
I wrote that you are in my vision, Maya, and I mean it. For each day I now carry the best of you with me, and that means I must make your dream a part of my life. I must work towards making the world a better place, one tiny bit at a time. I must live an exemplary life, I must give to those in need, I must cultivate love and empathy, and I must care for others. Whether that is through the Foundation or not I am not entirely sure. Right now that feels like the right path, but I am open to wherever you lead me.
I am dreaming of a day when I can carry you with me as light and love, not loss and despair. When I can smile when I think of you, not cry. When I can be ok in silence, when I can be ok in our favorite spots, when I can be ok alone, and when I can be ok with me as I am in this moment, with all my defects and human flaws. That is my vision, Maya. Not an end to suffering, but just an acceptance and love, just so much love.
Maya, can you help me write this story?
Tulum, Mexico, 2006