Dear Maya,

Today I took a walk in the woods, up by Eagles’ Nest on the Preserve. You and I were last there in September.  I remember we hung out on a rock overlooking the valley, talking about life, and making little stick messages on the rock to snap and text to people. I was feeling very lovey, so I kept making hearts out of sticks  and asking you to send them to people.

Today the mountain laurel were in full bloom.  I could not help but be uplifted by the beauty.  Yet of course you were so present with me.  I had a few moments, but I made it through an hour in the woods without crying, without needing to turn back, without that pit in my stomach coming back.  

This was a first, Maya, since October.  I suppose this is what healing looks like, small steps on this path.  As I lay in the sun looking at the beautiful cliffs to the west, with the sky above them, I felt such deep love. It is hard to explain, Maya, but it was a new feeling for me since October.  Somehow I feel ok.  It is strange to even say that.  Am I allowed to be ok?  Can I feel joy?  Can I admit that I am healing?

And I know enough by now to realize that this is just one moment in time, and it all changes, to not become attached to this little bit of peace.  But for this moment, I honor it.

A few days ago I saw the annual “Student Life” video made by New Paltz High School students.  They included a tribute to you that was so touching, so thoughtful and caring, so simple, so loving.  I wonder all the time about your friends and peers, how they are coping, how they process this. So many lives have been affected, so many courses have been altered.  I wonder what that map looks like.

The mountain laurel’s are white and pink, lush and full.  I love the way they inhabit the woods here-along the paths, creating a corridor of color for such a short time, and then they disappear.  Just a brief moment here to share their beauty and light, and then they are gone.

I love you Maya.




Silly Together, September 2014



3 thoughts on “Bloom

  1. I am overwhelmed, yet again, Mathew. I love so much that you can feel joy, peace and love, and see beauty even in brief spurts. Maya would be happy to hear you are healing, as she adored you, dear Mathew. She looks so much like Sasha in your silly picture!! Now to watch the student life video. It’s been a night of tears, for me…..

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