Dear Maya, It amazes me still, this process.  Do you remember the fun we had sometimes, in nice weather, when heading home from town, we would drive across the bridge onto the flats, open the windows and sunroof and blast the music at full volume?  That was such a delight.  I loved watching you Read More…

  Dear Maya, Today I took a walk in the woods, up by Eagles’ Nest on the Preserve. You and I were last there in September.  I remember we hung out on a rock overlooking the valley, talking about life, and making little stick messages on the rock to snap and text to people. I Read More…

  Dear Maya, Your presence is so strong with me right now. It is palpable.  I just spent three days at Omega on the Maya Gold Foundation Board retreat.  Your spirit was with me at every moment as we worked together to make real our vision.  And of course your vision for a better world.  Working Read More…

Six hours after my last post, I was awakened by the tapping of the yellow bird. This time the bird was at Maya’s bedroom window, tapping vigorously on the glass.  I went into Maya’s room and sat on the floor and watched this beautiful creature fluttering outside the window, tapping with it’s beak on the glass. Read More…

Dear Maya, Was that you the other day, the yellow bird tapping on the window all afternoon?  Was that you in the night sky, in the hazy moonlight twinkling through the trees?  Was that you in the fierce wind rattling the house all night long, forcing me to stop and notice? Maya, I wonder so Read More…

  Who is this stranger at my door?  If I let you in will you ever go away? This stranger, you bring such sorrow, such loss, such despair, and yet I cling to you like no other.  Only you offer me the way through, only you really know what it means to be me now.  Only Read More…

Dear Maya, I have picked up some favorite authors again this week, ones that offered me strength and wisdom in the past in times of need.  Rumi, Mary Oliver, Pema Chodron.  All of them resonate deeply with me, in their simplicity, their heart-connection, their bravery to uncover the darkest of secrets, even if it causes Read More…

  Dear Maya, Today was a tough day.  The calm after the concert last Sunday has settled in, and your absence has made itself felt once again.  The quiet. The empty room, the photos, still all those reminders. The concert was a beautiful step forward, with so much love and support and mutual commitment to Read More…

  Finale, The Candle and the Heart BACK

Dear Maya, Early in October someone told me that I would eventually be able to carry your spirit with me, and that I would always feel your presence, and that the loss would subside.  I did not believe it.  It seemed impossible.  My challenge was that I was so focused on the absence of my Read More…

  Dear Maya, For six months I have been carried along by the waves.  Waves of despair, of loss, of fear, of anguish, and of anger.  I have allowed myself to go with those waves, wherever they took me, knowing that it was ok, and that was the process.  My goal has been to get Read More…

Dear Maya, Today I told “the story” again, to a man named Noam, beginning with the events of October 2, 2015.  Each time I tell it something new unfolds, some new details come forward. I told about the plane ride to Newburgh, seeing you at Copeland, laying your body in the earth, and those first Read More…

  Dear Maya, It is almost six months without you.  Six months of looking into your empty room, of missing you, of wondering, always wondering.  Six months of avoiding, like an addict, places that remind me of you, and then of course, like an addict, going to those same places.  Six months of seeing you, Read More…

  One of our regular stops was The Bistro.  I usually ordered the breakfast special, Maya always ordered the hummus wrap, no tomatoes. She almost never finished it, half going home for lunch the next day. We had a few standing jokes there.  The best one was a self-deprecating routine after a specific waitress called Read More…

  As I looked around the class of students this time I knew it would be different.  They looked back with kindness, with caring, like I had never seen before.  Even the ones who had not met Maya the year before, they knew, and they cared too.  I never knew this was possible.  Not pity, Read More…

  I wonder how long forever is, how many forevers make a life, a story, a visit to this blue planet When does forever end and this moment begin, when is it just now You are gone forever, with me forever, lost forever, gained forever I can’t make sense of it today, most days, will Read More…

  The chocolate store is a metaphor for life.  I have been wandering around the streets of this city remembering Maya everywhere.  The little cafes we visited, a park we hung out in, the helado store, the mall, all these places carry a charge now, a bit of sadness, a bit of loss as they Read More…

1994 Elise and I bought a home together and began a our journey.  We knew this spot was a special place to grow a family, so we began remodeling right away to make room.  Sasha visiting us on occasion during the year and every summer, but mostly just the two of us together, learning, adventuring, Read More…

  I can feel it coming from afar.  It is so strange, this process, this journey.  Sometimes I am aware of Maya all day, little things stand out for me; a beverage, a website, a flower, anything that has some faint memory, they all are triggers on some days.  Today was one of those days. Read More…

  Ten questions that cannot be answered: Why, always the why? Is it ok to be happy again, to smile and laugh without you? Will I ever not be “the man whose daughter committed suicide?” How deep was your pain? Can I ever truly understand what happened? Is the path we have chosen the right Read More…