It is almost six months without you. Six months of looking into your empty room, of missing you, of wondering, always wondering. Six months of avoiding, like an addict, places that remind me of you, and then of course, like an addict, going to those same places. Six months of seeing you, remembering you, longing. Each day brings a new challenge, a new sense of loss, and sometimes a healing. I ask often, “what if…?”, and yet I know that road only leads to more despair.
I often think of you and your friends, how much you loved being with them, your smile at the thought of them, and your eagerness to go and just be with them. I wonder often how they are now, how this loss has affected them, how they manage. I cannot help but feel the empathy now, that you always felt, for all living things. I don’t know how you transformed me, dear Maya, but you did. Actually you transformed me twice. With your birth, a new joy and a new love, and with your death, you transformed me again. That process is still under way. I long for the map to the end. Where is this journey taking me? How will I even know when I am “there?” Where is there anyway?
It seems like very day I read about disturbing news regarding young people, suicide, social media, sexting, hookup culture, online bullying. It seems like such a perilous world for your generation. Instinctively I want to protect the girls, but I know that it is not that simple, that boys are victims too, that we are living through unprecedented times and figuring it out as we go, sometimes at the expense of our most precious ones. I wonder always how we can do more to make change?
Maya, I must say that I need you now, more than ever, as I find my way through this darkness. I am left with no guidepost, no signs, just the questions, asked often, “what would Maya want?” That is all I have to go on now, my dear Maya. I know you would want us to all be kind, and love each other, and take care of each other. I know that this is now all there is for me really; on some level all else has been stripped away. Of what use is anything now, if it cannot help another person in need? And of course, this brings me back to you, why could I not help you, so close to me and so hidden, in such pain?
Cape Cod, 2013